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Fat Guy In A Little Boat
12 min read
It's 3:00 in the afternoon, and I'm tired.
It's a hot and I just drove 254 miles to the North Shore of Lake Tahoe. I pulled into the Tahoe Lake Cottages just outside Tahoe City, where I'd be staying the next 4 days. I dropped off all my gear in Cottage number 6, then drove another 56 miles around the surrounding area to get my bearings and to get ideas of what I might want to do the next few days. I returned to the cottage and decided to relax the rest of the afternoon..... or so I thought.
It's a beautiful day so I walked down the road about a quarter mile and found an old wooden pier. It's facing East, and from the end of it I can see the entire lake..... the deep blue, crystal clear water is as beautiful as I remembered. The air temperature is around 80 degrees, while the water's around a chilly 60... refreshing, but takes your breath away when you first jump in.
I sat down and leaned against one of the pillars at the end of the pier.... it was so peaceful.... so beautiful...... so quiet. But then I felt the pier begin to gently shake... and it got stronger. Walking up the pier was a "Grizzly Adams" type of character. He's about 6'4" tall and must be at least 300 pounds.... more I would guess. He has shoulder length black hair and a full beard to match. He's wearing old cut-off jeans, a faded blue checkered shirt.... sleeves rolled up over the elbows.... old white tennis shoes and a pair of dark rimmed, square sunglasses. With his right arm, he's carrying over his head a red and black inner-tube type thing the size of a large truck tire, except it has a bottom. Written on the side of this inner-tube boat, in large white letters, are the words "Polar Bear". In his left hand he's carrying a small yellow paddle.
As he approaches I can hear him mumbling something about not having a raft to get him out to his boat..... there's nine different boats moored off the pier and I can't help but wonder which one is his..... He walks up and I give him a nod and say hi. He responds with a smile then looks out at the boats..... I ask him which one is his.
He points out to a beautiful Jet Drive ski boat... brown with gold trim. In the back is a huge V8 with all the chrome accessories one would want. It sat very low in the water... it looked fast just sitting there.
"Nice Boat!... Looks fast!", I said.
"Yeah!".... I just bought it off my brother-in-law, but he couldn't find the raft that he used to row himself out to it, so he gave me this tube thing".
Now normally, this inner-tube boat would almost be big enough for two smaller people... or maybe me..... but I had my doubts if it was going to be big enough for him. I watched as he put it in the water. He sat on the lowered edge of the pier, which was only about 10 inches above the surface of the lake, and put his feet in the tube.
"I don't know about this", he said.
"Need any help?", I asked.
"No!..... I think I can handle it"... and he attempted to kneel inside it.... and that's when it started.... the tube began to drift away from the pier. The next words I heard were... "AHHHHH SHIT!"..... then the sound, like out of a comic book, "SPLOOSH!"... and in he went.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH FUCK!".... was all he said when he finely surfaced.... "IT'S
COLD!"..... the sunglasses were all crooked on his face; his eyes and mouth were wide open and he still had the little yellow paggle in his left hand.
"Damn it!", he said. "I knew that was going to happen"
I was doing my best not to laugh... figuring that was the better of the choices I had. I asked if he needed any help but he refused.... I think he was embarrassed, so I watched as he tried to get himself up the ladder and back onto the pier. The tube kept drifting away as he tried to climb the ladder, and every time he reached for it he'd fall back in. Finely, after about four attempts, he made it back on the pier.
He stood there looking into the crystal clear water, which was about fifteen feet deep where we were, and looked as if he was watching something........
"AHHHHHH SHIT!....... MY MONEY!", was the next thing I heard. I looked over the edge and sure enough, there it was. A wad of money wrapped in a rubber-band was sinking to the bottom and drifting under the pier. He stood there frozen, knowing... but not wanting to do what he knew he had to do. He pulled the tube up onto the pier and dove in. I could clearly see him as he swam to the bottom under the pier. He reached out and grabbed the bundle on the first try.
"I really didn't wanna' get wet", he said as he climbed up the ladder and back onto the pier. "I didn't bring a towel."...... then he froze again and glanced into the water. He stood there in silence for what must have been a full minute.... then..... "GOD DAMN IT!..... MY SUNGLASSES!"... Once again I looked over the edge into the cold clear water, and yep... there on the bottom, about five feet out, were his sunglasses.
I looked at him, looked at the glasses 15 feet below, then looked back at him. At the same time, he looked at me, looked at the glasses, looked back at me..... looked back at the glasses, then, with a sorrowful look, looked back at me.
That did it.... I couldn't hold it back any longer and I burst into laughter. At first he looked as if he were about to kill me.... then he smiled and said; "Are you enjoying yourself?..... Do YOU want to go in after them?".... I sat there laughing and figured, what the Hell. It was still hot out and I was wearing my rafting shorts, so I stood up, took off my shirt and sandals, took the Cottage key out of my pocket and dove in.
He was right..... It WAS cold.... but that soon passed to being very refreshing, and it felt good. I dove to the bottom..... it was so clear, even without goggles, and I retrieved his glasses.
"Woah.... Thanks man!" he said with a look of relief as I climbed up the ladder and handed him his glasses. I was totally refreshed.... revitalized.... I just wish I'd brought a towel.
He put his glasses back on, and once again tried to get into the tube.... with the same result........ SPLOOSH!....... the tube flipped up and over and in he went.
"SHIT!!!!..... FUCKING TUBE!..... GOD DAMN BROTHER-IN-LAW!"... cough-wheeze....
Once again he had to try and climb the ladder back onto the pier.... only this time I held onto the tube. I figured now would not be a good time to laugh.
"Mumble, mumble.... SHIT!.... mumble, mumble, Brother-in-law, mumble, mumble....
Wheeze-cough, mumble, mumble".... I was biting my lip.... holding it back as best I could.
This next try he thought he'd put one leg inside the tube and straddle the side with the other leg in the water. It worked..... He wasn't real steady, but he was in the tube..... only he forgot one thing........ the little yellow paddle.
Luckily he wasn't too far out and I tossed him the oar. He then proceeded to try and row himself out to his new boat, which was about 50 yards out and moored to a bouy. Now this tube he was in was round, remember!... He stroked on the left... and spun to the right. Stroked on the right, and spun to the left.... stroke left, spin right... stroke right, spin left.... right, left... left, right... wheeze-cough, wheeze-cough..... I can only think of a play on words from the movie "Tommy Boy", when Chris Farley tries on his small partners coat and says... hey look, "Fat guyyyyy In A Little Cooooat!".... only here it was Fat Guy In A Little Boat"..... which once again starts me laughing.
"SHIT!!!!!...... GOD DAMN IT!..... FUCKING TUBE!!!!....Wheeze-Cough.... I'll KILL that son-of-a-bitch..... Wheeze-Cough"..... Every time he'd stroke the paddle on one side he'd spin in the opposite direction. After about five minutes he'd only gone about ten yards, all the time mumbling, cursing, wheezing, coughing and trying to keep his balance
It's now around 4:00 in the afternoon and he's been in the tube trying to row himself out to his boat for the last ten minutes. Finely, after all he's gone through, he makes it to his boat. Now he has to get out of the tube and into the boat. I watch as he tosses the paddle into the boat, back by the engine. He leans over, gets a grip on the side and manages to lift his right leg out of the water and up and into the boat. So far, so good, except for one thing...... He seems to be having a problem getting his left foot out of the tube and into the boat..... it's stuck and the tube slowly begins to push away from the side. I actually hold my breath as I watch him slowly do the splits.... frantically trying to find something to hold on to...... The tube flips..... his foot slides out and over the side he goes.
I could hear the heavy "Thud" sound his knee made when it hit the side of the boat...... "FUCK!!!..... mumble, mumble...... DAMN IT!!!.... Wheeze-Cough-Wheeze-Cough". He's either either half in or half out of the boat or water, depending on how you look at it. He hooks the tube with his right foot and draws it over to him. He struggles to get his left foot in the boat and finely manages to hoist himself, and the tube, into the boat.
I stand and applaude.... He flips me off... then laughs...... thank God!
Slowly, he makes his way to the drivers seat and plops himself down. He's soaked, he's exhausted, he's wheezing and coughing and he seems fairly pissed off. He sits there for quite a while. I look at my watch; it's 4:45.
I watch as he gets the key out of his pocket and puts it in the ignition.... Click-click-click..... Click-click-click....... "SHIT!!!".... Click-click-click..... "FUCK!!! .... GOD DAM BROTHER-IN-LAW..... THE FUCKING BATTERIES DEAD!!!...... THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH".... then a very long and silent pause.... he doesn't move..... then; "SHIT-SHIT-SHIT!!!".... I'm rolling on the pier.... tears are flowing down my cheeks.... my jaw hurts from laughing and I can't catch my breath.
I see him stand and wave. Slowly cruising along the shore line is a Sherrif's Patrol boat. It pulls up along the side of him, blocking my view so I can't see what's going on. Finely, after a couple of minutes, I hear a loud; "YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!..... COME BACK HERE WITH MY TUBE!".... as the Patrol boat pulls away with the tube in the back and the two Sherrifs laughing hysterically. The big guy is standing there waving his arms in the air.... laughing, wheezing, coughing and calling the two Sherrifs every name in the book.
They don't come back..... they just wave Bye-Bye and disappear around the bend.... laughing... then silence. I'm sitting there dying.... I hurt all over from laughing.
At last, another boat is coming in. It's one of those blue and white Ski Natique boats, with two guys in it. The big guy stands up and gestures like a hitch-hiker and whistles. The ski boat pulls up along side, they talk and he steps in.... left leg in his boat, right leg in the other boat.... and the little yellow paddle in his right hand. His boat begins to drift away from the other boat, once again causing him to do a contorted version of the splits.
"SHIT!!!!"...... then SPLOOSH, over the side he goes. Hysterical laughter from the two guys in the ski boat..... and I'm on my back in tears.
They throw him a ski line and slowly tow him over to the pier, where I am. He hands me the paddle and I help him up the ladder..... the whole time I can't stop laughing. He gives me a nasty look, then smiles and says, regarding the two sherrifs.... "That was my little brother, the little bastard..... I guess I had it coming", and he laughed.
It was now 5:20 in the afternoon. He stood there for a short time, then turned. I felt the pier shake as he walked back to shore, the sound of squish-squish-squish from his wet sneakers..... and, in his left hand, he was carrying the little yellow paddle.
It's a hot and I just drove 254 miles to the North Shore of Lake Tahoe. I pulled into the Tahoe Lake Cottages just outside Tahoe City, where I'd be staying the next 4 days. I dropped off all my gear in Cottage number 6, then drove another 56 miles around the surrounding area to get my bearings and to get ideas of what I might want to do the next few days. I returned to the cottage and decided to relax the rest of the afternoon..... or so I thought.
It's a beautiful day so I walked down the road about a quarter mile and found an old wooden pier. It's facing East, and from the end of it I can see the entire lake..... the deep blue, crystal clear water is as beautiful as I remembered. The air temperature is around 80 degrees, while the water's around a chilly 60... refreshing, but takes your breath away when you first jump in.
I sat down and leaned against one of the pillars at the end of the pier.... it was so peaceful.... so beautiful...... so quiet. But then I felt the pier begin to gently shake... and it got stronger. Walking up the pier was a "Grizzly Adams" type of character. He's about 6'4" tall and must be at least 300 pounds.... more I would guess. He has shoulder length black hair and a full beard to match. He's wearing old cut-off jeans, a faded blue checkered shirt.... sleeves rolled up over the elbows.... old white tennis shoes and a pair of dark rimmed, square sunglasses. With his right arm, he's carrying over his head a red and black inner-tube type thing the size of a large truck tire, except it has a bottom. Written on the side of this inner-tube boat, in large white letters, are the words "Polar Bear". In his left hand he's carrying a small yellow paddle.
As he approaches I can hear him mumbling something about not having a raft to get him out to his boat..... there's nine different boats moored off the pier and I can't help but wonder which one is his..... He walks up and I give him a nod and say hi. He responds with a smile then looks out at the boats..... I ask him which one is his.
He points out to a beautiful Jet Drive ski boat... brown with gold trim. In the back is a huge V8 with all the chrome accessories one would want. It sat very low in the water... it looked fast just sitting there.
"Nice Boat!... Looks fast!", I said.
"Yeah!".... I just bought it off my brother-in-law, but he couldn't find the raft that he used to row himself out to it, so he gave me this tube thing".
Now normally, this inner-tube boat would almost be big enough for two smaller people... or maybe me..... but I had my doubts if it was going to be big enough for him. I watched as he put it in the water. He sat on the lowered edge of the pier, which was only about 10 inches above the surface of the lake, and put his feet in the tube.
"I don't know about this", he said.
"Need any help?", I asked.
"No!..... I think I can handle it"... and he attempted to kneel inside it.... and that's when it started.... the tube began to drift away from the pier. The next words I heard were... "AHHHHH SHIT!"..... then the sound, like out of a comic book, "SPLOOSH!"... and in he went.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH FUCK!".... was all he said when he finely surfaced.... "IT'S
COLD!"..... the sunglasses were all crooked on his face; his eyes and mouth were wide open and he still had the little yellow paggle in his left hand.
"Damn it!", he said. "I knew that was going to happen"
I was doing my best not to laugh... figuring that was the better of the choices I had. I asked if he needed any help but he refused.... I think he was embarrassed, so I watched as he tried to get himself up the ladder and back onto the pier. The tube kept drifting away as he tried to climb the ladder, and every time he reached for it he'd fall back in. Finely, after about four attempts, he made it back on the pier.
He stood there looking into the crystal clear water, which was about fifteen feet deep where we were, and looked as if he was watching something........
"AHHHHHH SHIT!....... MY MONEY!", was the next thing I heard. I looked over the edge and sure enough, there it was. A wad of money wrapped in a rubber-band was sinking to the bottom and drifting under the pier. He stood there frozen, knowing... but not wanting to do what he knew he had to do. He pulled the tube up onto the pier and dove in. I could clearly see him as he swam to the bottom under the pier. He reached out and grabbed the bundle on the first try.
"I really didn't wanna' get wet", he said as he climbed up the ladder and back onto the pier. "I didn't bring a towel."...... then he froze again and glanced into the water. He stood there in silence for what must have been a full minute.... then..... "GOD DAMN IT!..... MY SUNGLASSES!"... Once again I looked over the edge into the cold clear water, and yep... there on the bottom, about five feet out, were his sunglasses.
I looked at him, looked at the glasses 15 feet below, then looked back at him. At the same time, he looked at me, looked at the glasses, looked back at me..... looked back at the glasses, then, with a sorrowful look, looked back at me.
That did it.... I couldn't hold it back any longer and I burst into laughter. At first he looked as if he were about to kill me.... then he smiled and said; "Are you enjoying yourself?..... Do YOU want to go in after them?".... I sat there laughing and figured, what the Hell. It was still hot out and I was wearing my rafting shorts, so I stood up, took off my shirt and sandals, took the Cottage key out of my pocket and dove in.
He was right..... It WAS cold.... but that soon passed to being very refreshing, and it felt good. I dove to the bottom..... it was so clear, even without goggles, and I retrieved his glasses.
"Woah.... Thanks man!" he said with a look of relief as I climbed up the ladder and handed him his glasses. I was totally refreshed.... revitalized.... I just wish I'd brought a towel.
He put his glasses back on, and once again tried to get into the tube.... with the same result........ SPLOOSH!....... the tube flipped up and over and in he went.
"SHIT!!!!..... FUCKING TUBE!..... GOD DAMN BROTHER-IN-LAW!"... cough-wheeze....
Once again he had to try and climb the ladder back onto the pier.... only this time I held onto the tube. I figured now would not be a good time to laugh.
"Mumble, mumble.... SHIT!.... mumble, mumble, Brother-in-law, mumble, mumble....
Wheeze-cough, mumble, mumble".... I was biting my lip.... holding it back as best I could.
This next try he thought he'd put one leg inside the tube and straddle the side with the other leg in the water. It worked..... He wasn't real steady, but he was in the tube..... only he forgot one thing........ the little yellow paddle.
Luckily he wasn't too far out and I tossed him the oar. He then proceeded to try and row himself out to his new boat, which was about 50 yards out and moored to a bouy. Now this tube he was in was round, remember!... He stroked on the left... and spun to the right. Stroked on the right, and spun to the left.... stroke left, spin right... stroke right, spin left.... right, left... left, right... wheeze-cough, wheeze-cough..... I can only think of a play on words from the movie "Tommy Boy", when Chris Farley tries on his small partners coat and says... hey look, "Fat guyyyyy In A Little Cooooat!".... only here it was Fat Guy In A Little Boat"..... which once again starts me laughing.
"SHIT!!!!!...... GOD DAMN IT!..... FUCKING TUBE!!!!....Wheeze-Cough.... I'll KILL that son-of-a-bitch..... Wheeze-Cough"..... Every time he'd stroke the paddle on one side he'd spin in the opposite direction. After about five minutes he'd only gone about ten yards, all the time mumbling, cursing, wheezing, coughing and trying to keep his balance
It's now around 4:00 in the afternoon and he's been in the tube trying to row himself out to his boat for the last ten minutes. Finely, after all he's gone through, he makes it to his boat. Now he has to get out of the tube and into the boat. I watch as he tosses the paddle into the boat, back by the engine. He leans over, gets a grip on the side and manages to lift his right leg out of the water and up and into the boat. So far, so good, except for one thing...... He seems to be having a problem getting his left foot out of the tube and into the boat..... it's stuck and the tube slowly begins to push away from the side. I actually hold my breath as I watch him slowly do the splits.... frantically trying to find something to hold on to...... The tube flips..... his foot slides out and over the side he goes.
I could hear the heavy "Thud" sound his knee made when it hit the side of the boat...... "FUCK!!!..... mumble, mumble...... DAMN IT!!!.... Wheeze-Cough-Wheeze-Cough". He's either either half in or half out of the boat or water, depending on how you look at it. He hooks the tube with his right foot and draws it over to him. He struggles to get his left foot in the boat and finely manages to hoist himself, and the tube, into the boat.
I stand and applaude.... He flips me off... then laughs...... thank God!
Slowly, he makes his way to the drivers seat and plops himself down. He's soaked, he's exhausted, he's wheezing and coughing and he seems fairly pissed off. He sits there for quite a while. I look at my watch; it's 4:45.
I watch as he gets the key out of his pocket and puts it in the ignition.... Click-click-click..... Click-click-click....... "SHIT!!!".... Click-click-click..... "FUCK!!! .... GOD DAM BROTHER-IN-LAW..... THE FUCKING BATTERIES DEAD!!!...... THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH".... then a very long and silent pause.... he doesn't move..... then; "SHIT-SHIT-SHIT!!!".... I'm rolling on the pier.... tears are flowing down my cheeks.... my jaw hurts from laughing and I can't catch my breath.
I see him stand and wave. Slowly cruising along the shore line is a Sherrif's Patrol boat. It pulls up along the side of him, blocking my view so I can't see what's going on. Finely, after a couple of minutes, I hear a loud; "YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!..... COME BACK HERE WITH MY TUBE!".... as the Patrol boat pulls away with the tube in the back and the two Sherrifs laughing hysterically. The big guy is standing there waving his arms in the air.... laughing, wheezing, coughing and calling the two Sherrifs every name in the book.
They don't come back..... they just wave Bye-Bye and disappear around the bend.... laughing... then silence. I'm sitting there dying.... I hurt all over from laughing.
At last, another boat is coming in. It's one of those blue and white Ski Natique boats, with two guys in it. The big guy stands up and gestures like a hitch-hiker and whistles. The ski boat pulls up along side, they talk and he steps in.... left leg in his boat, right leg in the other boat.... and the little yellow paddle in his right hand. His boat begins to drift away from the other boat, once again causing him to do a contorted version of the splits.
"SHIT!!!!"...... then SPLOOSH, over the side he goes. Hysterical laughter from the two guys in the ski boat..... and I'm on my back in tears.
They throw him a ski line and slowly tow him over to the pier, where I am. He hands me the paddle and I help him up the ladder..... the whole time I can't stop laughing. He gives me a nasty look, then smiles and says, regarding the two sherrifs.... "That was my little brother, the little bastard..... I guess I had it coming", and he laughed.
It was now 5:20 in the afternoon. He stood there for a short time, then turned. I felt the pier shake as he walked back to shore, the sound of squish-squish-squish from his wet sneakers..... and, in his left hand, he was carrying the little yellow paddle.
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